After a long sleep deprived day yesterday I found myself confessing to my fellow facebookians that I was cooking two-minute noodles for tea last night. (Yes I know that statement really stretches the meaning of the word cooking - heating would be more appropriate). It had been another one of 'those days'. Little sleep the night before and heaps of housework that in the words of Scarlet O'Hara I decided I'd 'think about it tomorrow' meant that by tea time I had no motivation and no clean space to actually cook tea in. So, two-minute noodle it was. Yay Me!
My life as a mummy seems to be filled with moments like that. (Moments/days - mah!). I chose to do this and I know deep down I love it, but there is an internal struggle going to balance the needs of me with the needs of others. Yesterday I needed to spend the day on the couch watching movies so as to keep the snarly sleep deprived part of my personality soothed and under control (and away from loved ones that it might strike out and bite at any unpredictable time). But what did I do instead. In true 'try-hard super mummy' fashion I took the girls on a 'girls day out' to the local shopping centre. I made meals, changed nappies, picked up toys, made drinks, found teddies and a million other mummy things. Because once you're a mummy your own needs simply don't seem to count for much anymore.
Here in lies the basis of my determination to find out who I really am again. There once was a young woman who worked in several quality jobs case managing and co-ordinating. She had direction in life and looked after herself pretty well. But after six years of serving the needs of others the war of attrition seems to have worn her away and i find myself wondering who I really am and what I want. I am frankly dumbstruck that I don't know. How to you reach 39 year sold and feel like you know less about yourself than you did twenty years ago?? This and many other such questions are buzzing around in my head demanding to be answered.
So, by the end of a long day in the mummy hood yesterday, two-minute noodles and a very VERY messy kitchen was my compromise. I told the 'Try Hard Mummy' part of my personality to 'Get Behind Me Satan' and allowed myself to wallow in the glory of a no fuss no nutrition tea and one hell of a mess! On a bright note a facebook friend pointed out that as I have three children it was actually six minutes cooking time :O)