As I'm getting older (the big 40 is not far around the corner – yikes) I'm realising just how short life is. Profound hey, well not really as I'm sure we all start thinking like this as we approach major milestones. But it's true, life is short and who wants to die with regrets.
I've been having this funny feeling emerging inside me slowly over the past months. I think as my brain is finally getting more regular sleep (thank you my beautiful little pinks), and the mummy haze is beginning to lift a little, I'm able to recognise the internal speaking of my soul again. It's probably been there all along but I just couldn't hear it through the grumpy frazzled pyjama wearing 'mummy being' who took over my life. The message I'm hearing is something like this '.......life is precious, short and right now......'
I want to get on board with all those clichés we've been hearing for years now. You know the ones 'Living in the NOW' and 'Being Present' they appear to have finally worked their magic on me and now I'm their follower. Put me on Oprah, I think I've had a revelation!!
I know it's kind of trendy to say you're living without regrets, and we all do the best with the situations we have, but honestly I think I do have some regrets about my life to this point. I do regret not having more fun and living in the moment more. I regret the decisions I made to protect my fragile little ego that made me say 'no' to things because I might look silly or unacceptable in some way (or God forbid get rejected by others). I know there is a balance in this. I'm not about to go into massive debt to support a party hard life style or start running naked through the streets (well it might be fun.....but nah not my style) but I am going to starting trying to live in the moment more. To remind myself that this is it – today is my life. It's no longer about what I'm going be when I grow up – it's about what I am.
So over the past couple of days I've been regularly telling myself 'this is it – enjoy it'. The little thought bubbles up into my mind at the funniest times. Sometimes just when I'm walking around the house doing the blaah blaah daily stuff and sometimes when I'm stuck in the shoe isle of K-Mart with the little pinks all grabbing for shoes and squabbling (and standing up in their strollers and screaming at the top of their voice! That would just be the 20 month old). I like that little voice. I'm happy it's come back to my life, and I like the message it's telling me.
So it seems to me I've blogged my way into discovering the second lesson to be learnt on my way to re-inventing myself after drowning in the mummyhood pool. Lesson One in the re-discovery of me: I need to be creative – it heals and nurtures me. Lesson two: I need to teach myself to live in the moment and focus on removing those things in my life that stop me. Okay – all this soul searching is exhausting – better go get out of my pyjamas.